a wish
When I went to yoga last Wednesday night, the instructor asked us to think of one wish for our baby during our final relaxation and share it with the baby.
I had this immediate flood of a wish that was hard to put into words.
It was a mixture of a wish for happiness and safety and allowing a child to be a child.
I grew up in a very angry, abusive household. My mother did the best she could, but spanked liberally. She had very tough standards for our behavior, even when we were very little. I grew up with a lot of pressure to be perfect. My father is an alcoholic who abused my mother and intimidated us. When he isn’t drinking, he is one of the sweetest, funniest, men in the world. Unfortunately, he drank a lot.
It was the general feeling that I associate with these things that I do not want my child to have. I don’t want my child to hear late night drunken fights or see its mother backed into a corner or remember policemen showing up or broken windows or dishes. Although much of the bad memories are associated with my father, I have a lot of negative associations with my mother as well. Because things trickle down…
It took me awhile to put my wish into a concise collection of words:
I do not want my child to fear me.
It is one thing to occasionally raise your voice. I know this will happen. There will most assuredly be times when my child is shocked by something I do. But I do not want the constant haze of fear and anticipation and tension to permeate its young life.
I do not want to hold my child to standards that are too high.
I do not want my child to think that loud fights at four in the morning are normal.
I do not want my child to feel a constant knot in its stomach.
I do not want my child to constantly fear physical punishment.
The combination of constant love and fear towards a parent is a terrible emotional state to grow up with.
If I can raise a child who does not fear me, I will have accomplished all I can ask for in this lifetime.
What a powerful and perfect wish. Could a child ask for anything more? And it need not even be a wish…the fact that is a deep belief in you will make it real, unfolding before you effortlessly.
You will be an amazing Mama…
Comment by Leigh — January 25, 2007 @ 8:19 am
growing up in an alcoholic household (like you my dad is the sweetest, sweetest man in the world when sober and even a little tipsy…but full blown drunk, which he was/is alot…yikes.) i totally have and still have the same wishes for my girls. what a way to stop the abuse and let a healing circle form. you, my friend, are going to be an incredible mother. I think the most powerful thing is to really remember what you do not want to be as a parent, and then let the parent you do want to be unfold from moment to moment.
blessings to you and your family
m
Comment by marybeth — January 26, 2007 @ 8:18 pm