Cognosco

Dear Albie,

Someday, I will look back on the last month and laugh.

It has been very hard. Much harder than I had imagined.

When I last left off on your one month birthday, you had a rash, and had just gotten to where you would tolerate being put down to nap. Neither one of these things lasted past the next two days.

Somewhere around St. Patrick’s Day, you became a fussy/high-need/”colicky”/pain-in-the-ass baby. You were screaming constantly. And, the day after St. Patty’s Day, you projectile vomited spit-up all over the bed. I called the doctor, who said it was probably just a little reflux, and to feed you upright and keep you upright after feedings. So much for that whole side-lying nursing thing.

Being skeptical of the ridiculously high rate of “reflux” in babies, I looked into food allergies, etc. and of course stopped eating milk, soy, and tree nuts, since all of these were somehow correlated with the reflux, and the fact that you subsequently developed green poop. In the last two weeks, I have reintroduced these foods, and none of them seemed to have an effect. Until the last 5 days or so, when I overdid it on dairy, and sure as shit, you started spitting up everywhere. And your poop was green for a day. How much dairy is too much? I have no idea.

And then there’s the whole oversupply thing that I now realize was surely feeding into the reflux as well. I could feed the neighborhood. I’m like a creamery. Seriously. It has at least slowed down a bit in the last week, but the initial let-down is still just ridiculous. I have to pump until basically empty before your middle of the night feeding, lest I gag and choke you and generally piss you off. I tried not to pump too much, on the advice of all the internet sites, until the midwives said to just ignore that advice and pump and it wasn’t going to make much difference at this level of supply. She was right. There must be a ceiling effect. My mother apparently had super-supply, something she finally told me long after I’d tried all sorts of diet modification and general freaking out.

Then, we seemed to have developed a yeast/thrush problem, which I thought we had solved until your yeast diaper rash reappeared in the last three days. The doctors did not seem to believe me when I said we should be treated internally, so we’ll see if it all re-emerges and if so, start all over again. I have increased acidophilus in my diet, and use vinegar wipes on your bottom. I am not comfortable with the prospect of permanently putting nystatin on your baby tush, so there must be an alternative…

You also have an umbilical hernia, which looks really horrible, but I have been assured by the doctor is “no big deal”. I, of course, religiously push on it once a day to make sure it still is squishy and receded into your belly, and I hate, hate, hate the way it looks because I am just convinced that your diaper waist band will somehow turn it into a medical emergency. Or that it will suddenly pop. Because it looks like it could pop.
 

And then, the neediness. Holy fuck, the neediness. We rented Happiest Baby on the Block because you wouldn’t stop screaming. Admittedly, it did help, and we at least know now that if you are already calm, we can swaddle you and put you in the swing and you will actually tolerate it for varying time periods ranging from 5 minutes to 2 hours. But it is surprisingly hard to find a lightweight swaddle blanket large enough to actually swaddle a baby. We bought one of those “swaddlers” with the Velcro and such, and it’s just a joke how quickly you get out of it. Receiving blankets were useless. The blankets mom made were big enough, but way too hot. So, I got a big piece of jersey fabric from Joanne’s and it is perfect. I didn’t even have to sew the edges. In fact, my 6 yard piece of jersey fabric yielded two wraps and a swaddle blanket. However, I hadn’t factored in the shrinkage factor on the wraps, and so they are only useful for a short cross wrap, not the full front cross wrap with the cummerbund and such. Oops, I’ve wandered off topic again…

 

 

 

So, although you stopped screaming, I literally COULD NOT PUT YOU DOWN. Not even for 30 seconds. Except occasionally in the swing. But that was hit and miss. So, you took naps in the wrap. Sometimes, I would lie down on my back with you still in the wrap so that you would just sleep on my chest and I could get a few minutes rest. Because taking you out of the wrap would just wake you. And in order to sleep at night, you had to fall asleep on my shoulder, and I would do everything with one hand (including brushing teeth and peeing—which now makes me a level 4 ninja or something). Then I had to ever-so-gently lay down on my side, with you never losing contact with me, or you would wake and we would start all over. You would sleep on my arm, and sometimes, if I was very careful, I could actually reclaim my arm and slowly move onto my back, but the whole process could take no less than 7 minutes or you would, of course, wake up. I couldn’t swaddle you, because you would get too hot, so you were prone to waking yourself up frequently, but at least you slept SOMETIMES. And at least the swaddling helped with the screaming while you were awake.

At one point during this time period, I was gone for the day and your daddy took care of you all day. When I got home, he said, “I don’t see how you get anything done”. Well, it’s because I am a goddess, of course. I think he understood then why it was that the first thing I did when he would get home is shower. Because I hadn’t been able to at any earlier point in the day.

And then, magically, it got better. We had you swaddled about 10 days ago, and set you down, and you just kept sleeping. No shit. So, we put you in your cosleeper. And you kept sleeping. No shit. This was at 9:00. You didn’t wake up until 2 a.m. I almost peed myself I was so overjoyed. Instead, I just leaked milk everywhere. Since then, you will sleep for a 4 and a half to 5 and a half stretch as your first stretch in the cosleeper every night. You go down somewhere between 7 and 9, and wake up somewhere between 12:30 and 2:30. The next stretch is never as long, and usually consists of a lot of grunting and fussing in your sleep, which you sleep through, but keeps me awake, and of course pisses me off. But, I know that I have no cause to bitch, because lots of moms would kill for that first stretch. Now, if I could only be the kind of person who can fall asleep at 8:00 instead of 10 or later, we’d be soooo compatible right now.

At the same time, I can just set you down sometimes now for a few minutes and you don’t go completely ape shit. Not at first, anyway. So I can at least set you down long enough to get a wrap on. Or transfer clothes from washer to dryer. Because that is actually quite difficult while wearing you. And I can usually get up, feed you, feed me, wear you, swaddle you, and when you drift off put you in the swing for a few minutes, just long enough to get a shower. And because I can get a shower, we now actually leave the house. And I have even taken you out and about to campus to run errands or pick things up and I feel I have the tools to soothe you if you freak out. Being exposed to new things actually seems to brighten your mood considerably. You love the cacophony of a noisy restaurant.

All of this being said, I want you to know how much I love you. I love you so much more than I ever thought possible to love something. Enough so that yes, when your daddy watches you, I am guilty of calling every other hour just to see how you’re doing. And I still stare at you in your sleep. And you do have stretches of time now where you are awake and calm and happy and cute and it is wonderful. You are still very vocal, and have developed all sorts of new squeaks and squeals that melt my heart. The midwife thinks that you are just “in a hurry” and so your synapses are going crazy and you’re going to be a handful until mobile—and then a totally new kind of handful.

And you have started smiling. Real smiling. The first one was on April 6th. You bet I recorded that date. And you giggle too, which is supposed to follow the smiling somewhat later, but you started them both at the same time. Now you even smile several times in a day. It’s so cute, it almost breaks my heart.

 

 

 

Mom sent me my baby book, and you look just like me. It’s freakish–the power of genetics. My grandma had my birth announcement, and I saw it on Easter. Your first pictures look just like mine. It’s amazing. It seems the only thing you inherited from your daddy was your big head. My vagina can attest to that.

You went through a period where you kept waking yourself up with kicks, which swaddling won’t help with. It only lasted a few nights. After that, you started keeping your legs straight a lot and lifting your hips and standing on my lap when you’re in the sling. One of those little developmental things.

You still have the Moro reflex every once in awhile, but it is fading fast. Your grasping reflex is almost gone. Sure, you’re grabbing at things, but it’s not that automatic, guaranteed, grasping-on-the-finger thing you were born with. Your daddy said it makes him kind of sad. It makes me kind of sad too. Your little feet still try to grasp when touched, which I find simply adorable. It’s interesting that the reflex sticks around a little longer in your feet than in your hands. I am also sad that your milia (white nose bumps) are finally gone. I had nicknamed them "dinosaur bumps" because they reminded me of pictures of cartoon dinosaurs. I made sure to get pictures before they were gone, and they just disappeared about a week ago, after being there since your birth. Your nose looks ridiculously smooth now.

 

 

 

A few days ago, I was in the kitchen, and accidentally burned your leg on the toaster oven while you were in the wrap. Although you only cried for 15 minutes or so, I cried off and on all day about it. I felt like a heel. I put lavender on it, and it looks much better than it should given the way it blistered. I mention this only because I will probably still feel guilty about it when you are an adult.

You have decided to like baths, after all.

 

 

 

 

You have decided that the car seat is tolerable, so long as the car keeps moving, and you have a pacifier. And occasionally, white noise is also necessary. I got the Happiest Baby CD, which features 3 versions of womb sound mixes, a hair dryer track, and a “rain on the roof” track. The hair dryer sound is most useful in the car. And you still love it when I use the real hair dryer during diaper changes. I play the “Rain on the Roof” track to sleep. I don’t know if it makes a difference in how you sleep, but it sure helps me drift off.

 

 

 

 

A few things I have learned:

• Parenthood is much harder than I thought. Not that I thought it would be easy. I mean, I waited until almost 30 to have a child because I knew it would be hard. But I had no idea.

• There is apparently a large underground of full-grown adults who never learned to sleep in their own bed. I know this, because many people have informed me that by allowing you to sleep with me sometimes, you will never sleep in your own bed. Never. I assume this must be based on some sort of real data.

• Sleep deprivation sneaks up on you and makes you do really stupid things, like forget which class you are the TA for and thinking that Testing Services mislabeled your exams. Or forgetting to put a diaper cover on the cloth diaper, and then wondering why your lap is wet.

• Pacifier = sanity. This is especially true when “comfort nursing” is not possible because you just can’t seem to stop spewing milk.

• Fleece diaper liners are amazing. Seriously. They pull away more wetness than the disposable diapers did.

• Nursing challenges don’t just happen in the first few weeks.

 

 

• Even if 217+ people have children who loved a certain product, this is no guarantee your child won’t despise it.

• Parenthood brings moments of joy far more intense than I had ever imagined.

• Your mother just might become your best friend. No matter how unlikely this seemed prior to giving birth.

• One smile can make up for hours, even days, of screaming, crying, and sleep deprivation.

All my love,

Mama