so glad I don’t have a penis
So, we went to a pediatric surgeon yesterday for Dude’s umbilical hernia. The good news is that it’s totally no big deal unless it sticks around until he’s 4 or 5 years old. Did you know that those hernias are measured not by how far it sticks out or how wide it sticks out, but by the actual abdominal hole itself? His is too small to even put a finger into. Did you also know that it is the only type of hernia that is self-repairing? Fascinating.
However, when the surgeon undid his diaper just to check for abdominal tenderness, he said, “Has anyone talked to you about his penis?”
I’m pretty sure that particular conversation starter never goes anywhere good.
When Dude was born, the midwife noticed that his foreskin was “different”. Never having had a male infant, or spent a lot of time inspecting uncircumcised penises, I didn’t know how it was different. He could pee fine, so what did I care? The family doc looked at it and said it’s “within the range of normal”. Which is what I said to the surgeon. He said he begged to differ.
Turns out, the foreskin is no big deal. It is a “hooded” or “incomplete” foreskin. So it doesn’t totally cover the head and there’s basically not a lot of it on the underside. But, as it turns out, this particular foreskin appearance is often associated with something else that the surgeon looked for and discovered right away—hypospadias. Go ahead. Google it. I dare you.
The short version is that his pee hole isn’t where it should be. So, that area at the tip of the penis that looks like a pee hole actually has no hole. His pee hole is at the base of the head on the undersize.
This is not a conversation I ever wanted to have or a topic I ever wanted to blog about.
Now, I had sort of noticed that there was a little dot there when I bathed him, but assumed the family doc would have noticed if something was off. And never having really noticed where he peed from, I didn’t realize we had this hole discrepancy. And deep down, I didn’t want to look at that little dot too closely, because I thought it looked like a pee hole, and then thought, “No. It couldn’t be. The doctor would have noticed.” Had we not went to this surgeon for something unrelated, I probably wouldn’t have realized it until he started standing to pee. I had noticed he sort of peed downward, but didn’t realize why. Apparently, the family doc didn’t actually look under his penis. Or maybe it was still too little to tell the hole was different. But Jesus, there have been other doctors there who have inspected his penis because none of them seem to ever notice that the newborn exam has been done. And yet, none of them noticed. WTF?
So, if it was a more severe form, as in lower on the penis, surgery would be a no-brainer because it would make his penis curve downward severely, give him painful erections, and make his little member dysfunctional. Painful erections are a definite argument in favor of surgery in my opinion. Oh, and he probably wouldn’t be able to pee standing up. I am all about not circumcising, but by god, given the choice, my boy should be able to pee standing up. Because seriously, I could see how that would totally suck for a dude.
However, this is a mild form. So, it’s not likely to make his penis curve. He’s not likely to have painful erections. But he may have to “aim at the ceiling” to properly hit a urinal.
Because it is a “mild” form, surgery is much less risky than for the more severe forms. It is also less necessary. The primarily consequence of no surgery is psychological.
We asked if he would have to be circumcised. The doctor said it makes the surgery easier, especially since they use part of the foreskin to reconstruct the pee hole. And, as his foreskin looks now, he looks neither circumcised nor uncircumcised, doubling the whammy that his penis is “different”. In the moments right after we learned this news before we had recovered enough to wonder if surgery was the decision we would make (surgeons have a sneaky way of making you assume it’s the decision you’ll make), Hubbie said to Dude, “Your mom tried so hard to protect you.” Because I absolutely refused to consider circumcision. And it seemed, at that moment, that this surgery and circumcision were the only option.
Oh, and the doc doesn’t have a circumcision bias. Neither of his sons were circumcised.
I can’t believe I’m writing all this. Too much information, I know.
So how much should the psychological aspect matter? As much as I can be critical of the penis as the central body part in the male psyche, the fact that I have been agonizing over this news like you wouldn’t believe is only a further testament to its importance.
I’ve heard the “psychological” arguments in favor of circumcising, and was able to chalk them up as bullshit because it seemed so easy to explain to a little boy, “that’s what you were born with and we didn’t want to chop it off because it’s barbaric and we love you”. But this seems a little different…
And, I’d like to say I could wait and he could make the decision on his own, but the best time to do the surgery is 6 to 8 months. Which totally makes sense. Less scar tissue. Less memory of the event. Less mobility. Quicker recovery, etc. So, if I don’t do it, will he hate that we left his penis to be so different? If I do the surgery, will he feel like his penis was so “messed up” we had to “fix” it? Will he hate that we didn’t just leave it alone?
So, we’re definitely going to seek a second and possibly third opinion, because that’s what you do. Right? I will say that this doc was actually pretty good about making it clear that this was a decision we should mull over. But he’s a surgeon. His bias is towards surgery.
If I could have one wish at this moment, it would be have a time machine to go to the future and ask him what he wants us to do. Because his father and I are at a loss here.
As M the wise midwife always says, “It’s a parenting decision”. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I took that dare a googled. W-O-W.
Hmm, okay, so I completely agree about getting a second, third, fourth, fifth opinion. Really…
But now i have some questions:
1) K, if this is a mild form, is it at all possible that the peenie may “grow” normal? total bimbo question I know, but our bodies shift and change as we grow ….so….
2) As per the peenie devistation - I gotta ask, is there any chance for the doc making a boo boo and leaving little Albie with less sensation and/or sensitivity??? (I know, call me the friend with bad questions, can’t help it)
3) My opinion on the uncircumcised (sp!) penis - who cares? As far as that goes, I don’t think he’d have any stigma for NOT being, and I think that actually makes him pretty unique…
HOWEVER - ok, the only thing that I’m thinking, is may be the brunt of some ribbing (to put it kindly - kids are not nice in school, remember?) if every time he goes to use the bathroom, he has to aim high, so to speak. So I would say that as long as the surgery is recommended by other docs, and it seems a simple operation than go for it. But then again, if your mama heart say “no”, then don’t.
This is why I suck for advice giving, but thanks for letting me babble. Take care, kiddo.
Comment by Heather #2 — June 14, 2007 @ 11:17 am
Well, Heather pretty muched summed up my thoughts. Is it first degree? I looked it up on wikipedia so I could get the visual of what you were talking about. Poor guy–what a shit thing to have happen.
My personal opinion: well, my son is not circumcised either, but that is a decision that has haunted me for years. I have no idea if he has dealt with ridicule over it or not, but I know how evil kids can be. I think, in hindsight, I would have had him circumcised when he was born.
As a mom, I of course would get as many other second opinions as possible, but I think in the end I’d have the surgery done if all doctors suggested it. I just imagine being taunted in school, and then trying to explain the situation to a girl? In high school, probably? Who is mature then?
I’ve found that with parenting issues, I usually err on the side of caution, i.e. conform to what is expected in society. My defense of that is I don’t want to screw up a part of my kid’s life because I was feeling like a nonconformist back in the day. It should be his choice to conform or not. Now remember, my child is incredibly difficult and not the typical kid.
Don’t know if any of this helped you or not, but I wanted you to know I was thinking about you guys. I love you!! Call anytime if you want to hash it out verbally…or just rant…or just cry. I’m here.
Comment by Dani — June 15, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to pop in and let you know I’m thinking of you and your family…
And POOR ALBIE! No one wants to have anything a wee bit funky with their sensitive bits. I can’t even imagine the position you are in…I, too, would get multiple opinions and then really go with your intution. You will make the exact right choice.
XOXO
Comment by Leigh — June 15, 2007 @ 7:54 pm
To respond to comments–
It won’t fix itself.
Whether the doc messes up or not, there will be a loss or change in sensation. But there would be less scar tissue if it’s done young. But, the doc could mess up and there could be complications I don’t even want to consider. It does happen.
To Dani specifically,
I did at least consider circumcision–but at the end of the day, it’s genital mutilation, right? I mean, we can make all the excuses we want for doing it, but it’s still cutting off parts of genitals. So I think you made the right decision with Michael. And now, 40% of kids are not circumcised, so he’s probably less of a minority than you think. Maybe you should ask him if it’s ever bothered him. I think that the rationale that you didn’t want to cut off parts and pieces is a pretty good one. I’d be interested in what he’d say. Has he ever brought it up?
So what makes this hard is that he’s sort of in between. So his foreskin is not totally developed (hooded foreskin). So, he doesn’t look either way. But, then my original reasoning should still stand then, that I don’t want to cut off parts because it “should” be a certain way. So right now, unless the second opinion tells me there’s an actual function problem, I’m leaning towards no. Today anyway…
And in general, I wonder if teasing about your penis is any worse than other sorts of teasing. I’d think yes. Would it make it better if your parents said they could have fixed it but decided it’s perfect the way it is??? But if he was really bothered about it, then he could choose to have the surgery. But then there’s more side effects if he’s older. What a predicament…
Bah.
Comment by Heather — June 16, 2007 @ 12:25 am
i have a friend who had a boyfriend with the same thing going on…nothing more than to say that…this is the first time i heard about ti again.
Did you make a decision? I have such a hard time with parenting choices. there are so many influences and people with opinions and then my mind jumps all around. but i always sit and listen to my heart…and go with that.
you are supported in whatever you choose.
mb
Comment by mb — July 14, 2007 @ 10:38 pm