Cognosco

If I were still together with my ex-husband, yesterday would have marked 10 years since we hooked up.

I’m thirty now, which means that I have known him for one-third of my life. That kind of math freaks me out.

I want to go back to that 20 year old girl, and say, don’t do it.

Don’t move in with him.

Don’t distance yourself from your friends for him.

Don’t choose him over your family.

Don’t marry him.

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

And then I think that all of that is who made me the person I am today, and I have to be glad. Because all of those lessons really were blessings in disguise.

He wasn’t really abusive, per se. Just negative. Overwhelmingly negative. Black hole suck your soul kind of negative. And never willing to accept blame. And lazy. So lazy. I was going to school full-time and working full-time and the only person trying to keep the house clean. Whereas he spent more time in the five years we were together without a job than with one. I would have been more sympathetic to this if he had taken care of the home stuff. But he didn’t.

There were many reasons to leave, and it was really just complacency that made me stay so long. That, and he had a son, and so of course I wanted to stay for the boy.

And truth be told, in spite of myself, I did love him. It sounds so lame—the oh-so-typical “but I love him”. But it’s true. I did. At least for a little while. And he did introduce me to a lot of great music and a lot of occult stuff that I still dig today. I just couldn’t live with him. He was sucking me dry.

But the tipping point—the point at which I realized I just couldn’t stay any more was when I was late for my period. I had convinced myself that I didn’t want kids because I couldn’t even entertain the thought of trying to have another child, a child of my own, with him. I was terrified that I was pregnant. Because I had a feeling that an abortion conversation would not go well with him because he’d been hinting that he wanted another kid. I was scared enough that I wouldn’t buy a pregnancy test. Which is exactly how women end up several months pregnant without knowing. It really does happen. I don’t know how you could ignore it for nine months, but at least the first few months, I get it.

And then, I started my period. And I cried. That was when I realized that I did want kids, but not with him.

I couldn’t even tell him. I didn’t tell him I was late. I didn’t tell him I was worried. I couldn’t tell him I was disappointed.

This experience planted the seed that grew into me leaving unexpectedly two months later on July 20^th, the eve of our wedding anniversary. I had tried to tell him I wanted a divorce. He wouldn’t listen. So I just left. I left him everything of value—the car, the computer, the furniture, all of the DVDs, CDs, records we had purchased together. I even had to have someone come pick me up because we only had one car. I left while he was at work. This is what I took with me:

• My Ani Difranco CDs
• My journals
• My tarot card deck
• My favorite astrology book
• My book about runes
• A few clothes
• Pot, a pipe, and a lighter
• A piece of driftwood I found on the beach in Northern California that was high in sentimental value
• A batik from Bali (I had several but just took my favorite)
• My Tibetan singing bowl
• Photographs

I told the friend that picked me up that night that I wasn’t sure what to take. He said you take what you notice the most, and played a Dar Williams song for me called Blessings. One of the verses says,

I was fast asleep at three in the morning when I got the payphone call,
And she said, "Did I wake you up," I said, "Hey, no, not at all."
And she said, "I got this suitcase and I don’t know what to pack,"
And I said, "You can take anything you want, just wait and see,
It’s not a release, not a reward, it’s the blessings,
Its the gift of what you notice more,"

And I walked out and I watched her kick the big pile of the night,
And we sat down and we waited for that strange and empty light.
Yeah the blessings…

And it’s true. In that moment before I took a great leap of faith that I could just leave and find a way to be okay, I noticed the things that mattered most to me. And I know exactly what that "strange and empty light" feels like. It is divine. I don’t think I would take an astrology book or rune book now, but at the time, I was clinging to anything that might give me some sense of certainty. And I would still take my tarot deck. Even though I like to believe that I don’t believe in all of that, I would still take my tarot deck.

I came back a few days later for some other stuff I had boxed ahead of time and hid in the closet so I could grab it and go. And to grab my dog. That visit got kind of violent, so I’m glad I’d thought ahead. In the end, I left with nothing more than what could fit in the back of a Volvo station wagon.

I should also mention that I was due to start graduate school a month after I left him. So when I started, I didn’t even really have a place to live or a place for my dog. I first lived with the friend who picked me up, and we hooked up, and it was a rebound nightmare. We are still friends, and maybe even better friends than we were before, because he saw all my crazy come out to play and never judged me for it.

I lived with another friend for about six weeks until he confided that he really wanted to be more. It wasn’t creepy or anything—just awkward. We’re still friends too. In fact, he is the person who was going to act as my "doula" for labor, but whom I never got a chance to call back because I progressed (through the first stage) so quickly. I then moved in with my mother for another three months (disaster!) until I found a dog friendly apartment to move into in January.

Imagine me, moving my Volvo of stuff around, 4 times during my first year of graduate school. It is a miracle I didn’t drop out and didn’t fail any courses. Or end up having a full-blown nervous breakdown.

So, as much as I want to go back to that girl and say DON’T DO IT, the whole experience gave me so much perspective. I understand why really nice girls end up with loser guys. I understand what it’s like to want to stay for the sake of the kids, even if they’re not your own. I understand what it feels like to leave with nothing more than two bags. I understand what it feels like to face the emptiness of uncertainty and just jump. I understand what it takes to just do what you have to. Period. It all made me who I am today, and for that I am thankful.

And the best ones were the ones I got to keep as I grew strong,
And the days that opened up until my whole life could belong,
And now I’m getting the answers, when I don’t need them anymore,
I’m finding the pictures, and I finally know what I kept them for,
I remember, I can see them, see them smiling, see them stuck,
See them try, I wish them luck and all the blessings.