Cognosco

We have started sleep training.

And night weaning.

Or as I prefer to call it, “behavior shaping”.

Last Wednesday morning, I was so tired and frustrated. And I was mean to Albert. I won’t go into details, but I was snarly enough that it makes me feel ashamed. And it made me realize that something had to change because I was way too tired and the frequent waking (every 2 to 3 hours) and the early waking (sometimes earlier than 5 a.m.) had finally pushed me past a line I didn’t even know was there.

While I admire people who can just wait these things out or mold themselves to fit their baby’s tendencies, it was the choice between doing that and being too sleep deprived and mean, or finding a compromise and being an otherwise joyful mother.

Aside from my being too tired and too mentally taxed, he was also getting so. damn. tired. He kept getting up earlier, and so I kept putting him to bed earlier so he would get enough sleep, and I was starting to contemplate a 6 p.m. bedtime just for him to get enough sleep. I was getting really resentful.

Once upon a time, he slept for seven or eight hours at a stretch. Then, around five and a half months, he started working on crawling, and things changed. I couldn’t swaddle him anymore because he would get halfway unswaddled and roll over on his belly and then be all tangled up in his blanket. That wasn’t safe. So I’d lay down with him until he fell asleep and then put him in the cosleeper. He was still sleeping for at least a 6 hour stretch to start the night, and then I’d nurse him and he’d sleep a few more hours in the cosleeper. He usually spent the last hour or two in bed with me.

Then he had surgery. He was so upset after the surgery. He was so in need of comfort, and so we had to do a lot of “stuff” to get him to sleep. A lot of rocking and singing and comforting. Our own guilt probably factored into the equation as well. We also transitioned to a crib around that time because he just needed more space (we only had a mini co-sleeper). During all of this we kept getting further and further away from the baby who could be put down awake, fall asleep alone, and sleep most of the night.

After those few weeks post-surgery, I though maybe he was just still going through some kind of phase. Teething? Mobility issues? A developmental leap? But it appears that the “phase” became a “habit” and after 10 weeks of increasingly elaborate sleep rituals mainly involving carrying all 25 pounds of him around while doing some kind of funky movement, I couldn’t do it anymore.

I found my boundary.

Crying it out was not an option. I think there is something about that method that really flies in the face of everything we know about attachment theory. Even controlled crying with the frequent check-ins wasn’t something I was willing to do, given that he’s currently entered into a separation anxiety phase. It just didn’t feel right, even when I only did it in my head.

I happened to have checked out “The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems” a few weeks ago, but hadn’t really looked at it. I read it voraciously that day. I don’t agree with everything she says, but the “Pick Up-Put Down” method for older babies resonated with me.  Basically, you’re there to calm him (pick up) but as soon as he’s calm he has to get to sleep on his own (put down). You stay there the whole time; you offer an occasional hand on the back, words of encouragement, etc. I spent a lot of time lying on my bed (his crib is in our room) just waiting for him to wind down. At his age, it’s really alot more laying him down when he stands up rather than picking him all the way up. I liked this method because it makes so much sense from both an Attachment theory perspective and a Behaviorism perspective. This message board is very helpful for anyone else who wants or needs to give it a try. I don’t agree with everything about the method–every mother has to figure out what works for her baby. But it is a really useful starting point, and the general idea of being there for comfort but allowing the baby to find his or her own way to soothe to sleep makes sense to me.

So I decided that we were starting this thing right then. That day. With his morning nap. So I tried it.

It took an hour, but he fell asleep laying by himself in the crib with my hand on his stomach. He only really cried (as opposed to a goofy bitching babbling thing he does) once or twice. The thoughts that kept me going were (1) that he would sleep eventually, and (2) that if I gave in, I would have wasted his and my time and put him through angst for nothing.

I won’t go into the gory details of the next few days, but the maximum time to get him down was two hours for one nap. But on that particular occasion, he was just playing in his crib for the first hour, so he wasn’t upset the whole time. I just had to wait it out. I did all of the “training” the first few days, and H took the next two days. Surprisingly, Albie went down sooooo easy for him. Less than 10 minutes every time with no crying. It just goes to show that dads can be better at some things. And last night he slept for 4 and a half hours at one stretch. And he’s waking closer to 6 now instead of prior to 5. We’re still doing a dream feed at 10 and I’m fine with that. Even if he could go 10 hours without eating, he’s so distractible right now that the dream feed is the best nursing session he gets all day.

I realize now that when he was really little, he had reflux issues, so I had to keep him up for a half an hour after feeds. So I couldn’t nurse him lying down or just pull him into bed to nurse and cosleep. Once the reflux got better around five months, it was really nice to just nurse him in bed and I especially loved cuddling those last few hours in the early morning. Then, the nursing sessions started moving earlier and earlier in the night until he wanted to nurse every two to three hours starting about two hours after he went to bed. And he got smart about me trying to nurse him back to sleep in the early morning and would jerk himself awake if he got drowsy at the breast. His waking time went from 8 to 7 to 6 to 5 and then earlier than 5. I am only willing to accommodate his whims so much…I could have dealt with either frequent waking or early waking, but not both. If he were a better cosleeper, I would have just toughed everything out that way—you don’t have to wake up much to just pop a boob in the mouth. But he is like me and wants his space and when we cosleep he sleeps fitfully and wakes even more frequently. So I would have to go get him out of the crib, bring him to the bed, feed him, debate whether or not I should just let him sleep with me and then end up getting up in a half an hour to put him back in the crib anyway, and take him back to the crib. By this time, I was completely awake and unable to get back to sleep for a half an hour. So each nightwaking with him was an hour of sleep lost for me. I was starting to come undone.

So this method seems to be working and he doesn’t seem distressed or anything. He actually seems happier because he and I are both better rested already. But with this decision has come so much sadness on my part because when you commit to something like this, it’s pretty much an all or nothing thing. That means I won’t likely be napping with him any more. I won’t be watching him slowly fall asleep at the breast anymore. I won’t get to savor the middle of the night nursing sessions. When I’m not busy resenting them.

He is growing up. Every day. Every hour. And it’s happening so fast. And although he is still a baby, this whole decision to teach him to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own has brought me to the verge of tears several times in the last few days. Not because it feels wrong. Don’t misunderstand me. If it felt wrong, I wouldn’t do it. I know it’s the right thing. I’m also not weepy because it’s been really hard or stressful. Surprisingly, it hasn’t. It makes me weepy because it takes him one step further away from total dependence on me. Perhaps the biggest barrier to him sleeping well in the last few months has been me, and my desire to protect him and shield him and keep him as close as I can. 

I know that this is neither the first, nor far from the last, painful decision I will make to encourage his independence or save my sanity. I don’t know what it is about this particular decision that makes me get all choked up and sentimental, but for me it just really highlights how quickly he is growing and becoming his own little dudeself. And while I am so fascinated by these changes and so proud of the magical child that he is and is becoming every day, I want to scream at the world to STOP or slow down and just let me catch my breath and savor these stages.

Goddess help me when he decides to wean.