After 40 years of (2nd wave) feminism…
…I still agonize over when to be pregnant.
I still worry if I will be hired for a job if I am pregnant.
I worry about whether or not I will be able to keep a job or get tenure if I have a baby.
And I am one of the lucky ones. I had my first child while in graduate school, which is actually a great time to have a baby in my opinion. But I’m set to graduate next year with a Ph.D. and get some kind of job in academia. There are few career paths more liberal than academia. Furthermore, my area is psychology, which when combined with academia leads to so much liberalism that you can almost choke on it. I will have my own office so pumping will not be a problem. There is quite a bit of flexibility in the schedule of an academic, so long as you somehow manage to work 50 (+?) hours per week. Doing what you love. Not bad, really. I am incredibly lucky, especially given that I am the first in my family (including cousins ) to even graduate from college with a four-year degree, let alone an advanced degree.
And yet…
…the whole thing has been keeping me up at night. In order to have my kids two years apart, I’ll have to get pregnant in the next few months. Be pregnant on job talks. In academia, job talks can be a two or three day affair, packed with meetings and interviews and presentations and intensity. I wouldn’t want to fly past 34 weeks in a pregnancy. Job talks take place from about November through February for the nicest jobs. For less nice jobs, they can continue through the May. So, we reasoned that if I get pregnant in August, the due date would be in May, which is also the same month I’ll be graduating. Then I’d start a new job the following August. Granted, most programs tend to be a wee bit forgiving in the first year because you are adjusting, but compounding that adjustment with a new baby, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding…what a recipe for disaster. And, I would miss a lot of that child’s first year because I’d be focusing on so many other things.
Sound crazy? I think so too. I’ve been in a constant state of fretting.
So, I decided that I would go for the "easier" jobs. Little or no research. Smaller schools. More teaching. Familiar. Not too challenging.
And then I stopped caring about schoolwork. I couldn’t focus on anything. Writer’s block set in like someone had wrapped gauze around my brain.
Because wait a minute–I love research. I love mentoring. I love teaching too, but to only teach would be like cutting off a limb.
"For a minute there,
I lost myself,
I lost myself."
–Radiohead
I love my family. But I love my dreams too.
So, one day, I asked myself why I wanted my kids to be two years apart. Well, my brother and I are 2 years and 3 months apart. I think I never questioned that two years was the best spacing for kids, because it was normal for me.
It would be "inadvisable" to have a baby during the first year or two of a new job. While most universities will stop the tenure clock during that time, you may still be judged negatively for having a child during that time. And really, it would be nice to be settled in first anyway for my own sanity. So, if I have my next child after two years on a job, Albert would be four years old.
I began to contemplate this, and took the same approach to this question that I do most things. I researched it ad nauseum. Turns out that if you ask people what the best spacing is, everyone gives a different answer. There are good things and bad things about any age difference. And it seems that the most important factor in how your kids get along isn’t their age (up to about a 5 year difference), but their personalities. Good luck planning that.
When I let myself accept the possibility that this might be a better choice for our family, a tremendous disappeared from my shoulders. The brain fog lifted. I wanted to do school work again. I felt motivated. My writer’s block disappeared. I felt calm.
The down side is that my future job is not likely to be in the Phoenix area. Even if there was a job here, I don’t want to stay here. Which means that I will not have Connie as my midwife, or Leigh as my doula. And that kind of sucks.
But to be honest, I’ve always had trouble envisioning Connie at my next birth. Maybe it’s because she’s just not meant to be.
And I can accept that Leigh will likely not be there because I can entice her to visit me with the promise of chocolate and the scent of a newborn. And then we can bask in new babyness while we watch the birth video, eat brownies, and laugh.
I think MB can be coerced with chocolate too…
Nonetheless, I still think it’s bullshit that this whole process has been agonizing. It’s bullshit that I can’t just think about what’s best for our family without worrying about damaging my career. And I am one of the lucky ones.
We have come so far, and yet have so much further to go.
My 2 cents. I thought 2 years would be the perfect age spread. My daughters are 22 months apart, now 5 months and 2 years and some change. And I would NEVER have children this close again. My first daughter was the easiest baby ever and I was like hey let’s throw in another. Well by the time number 2 was born my first turned into a terrible temper tantrumer and my second is colicky and refluxy. So right now I have 2 very difficult children at the same time. My career plans have changed significantly due to this. I’m not actually telling you you shouldn’t do this (I mean who am I), but I am saying it was significantly harder than I thought it would be.
Comment by Maria — May 6, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
I believe wholeheartedly that all things come together exactly as they are meant to be and that we should not have to agonize about any of it. If we are struggling with the right answer sometimes the best thing to do is just BE. Most of the time the answers are in the silence. I have been struggling with answering all the questions about my upcoming practice. Where to practice, with whom to practice or do it alone. Do I need an office or just do home visits, what lab to use what price to charge do I include this or that. The list goes on and on. I was becoming crazed to the point of losing focus on the here and now. Finally (sometimes it takes me a bit) I remembered that I am suppose to just let it all be and it will all work out exactly as it is suppose too. The doors will open at the exact moment that they are meant to open. I just need to be present to know when to walk through them.
Your answers will come to you just the same. Leave it up to your future child to let you know when she/he is ready to join you. The rest will all fall into place.
Comment by Connie — May 7, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
wow, that is alot on your plate, my friend.
the answers will begin to unfold, just as they have with these insights you’ve written. the dots will be connected until suddenly - POP - there’s your “big picture” right in front of you and you’ll be all “Yeah! Exactly!”.
me not being at your next birth? heartbreaking and yet…hello, you and your man can do this all on your own! and i will say…the enticement of newbornness and chocolate and chit-chat somewhere ELSE other than here is divine sounding.
i’m glad some of the fog and the weight has lifted. and…you never know.
you may get a little sprite baby without much asking. just talk to mb.
love ya,
Comment by MereMortal — May 8, 2008 @ 12:18 pm
This really speaks to me. I have to say, though, I almost rushed to the comment space before even finishing reading the post, before getting to the part where you questioned the two year spacing. I completely agree that, sucks as it may, if you want to even try to have it all, I wouldn’t do that to yourself re: new job and new baby at the same time, or looking for a job while pregnant. It will be so much easier if you are more settled. That said, I don’t know how old you are but it doesn’t seem like a couple of more years would make it so much riskier. That’s awesome that you’ve achieved so much and that you love your job. Yes, you are lucky in that. Also, as a goof friend of mine who also loves her job says, she doesn’t want to quit because before we know it they are going to be way too cool for us, hanging out with their friends, etc. and then off to college (hopefully) and then what do you have left? That is of course assuming that you have a job that fulfills you in some way. Mine does not really, I like my job but I don’t know if I love it. But that’s my ax to grind. Good luck in figuring all of this out. I encourage the working out of hte house path for those for whom it is suited, and it seems like you are one of those.
Comment by Courtney — May 13, 2008 @ 11:50 am
Ah…yes, sprite babies, their ears perk up when you open that door even just a little tiny bit and say…”are you out there?” and if you are truly ready they will sneak their way in. I’ve had a couple of those.
Having kids close in age? Overwhelming and perfect; this is my experience. My daughters run wild together, play together, eat together, bath together and sleep together. It’s amazing. They also get into my mascara TOGETHER and beat the crap out of eachother together.
I think your path is easier than you might see it as. Just live your life as you do, free and easy. ALbie will carry you to new levels, your love for life and your family will hold you in your most UNplanned moments. You are such a brainiac that you wil thrive no matter the when or the how or the where.
If you check out WWU and find a job I will hold your space sacred with psychic infusions from leigh and if I had my way I’d somehow manifest PHX’s next best midwife to move northward and she can hold you birth sacred as well. This is all in my dreamworld, but hey, a mama on the couch has to have some kind of motivation.
I love you. Can’t wait to see you. Signed on our house today. So you’ll be staying our in the HICKS with us (don’t worry I’ll still get us to the brew house AND the local ice cream shop, too;)
mb.
Comment by mb — May 14, 2008 @ 8:04 pm
I hear you, I do. I went through it.
Sounds like you need a glass of wine to go with that whine.
LOL! I kid you. The only reason I do that is because I literally did the same thing to myself for months.
Comment by Godless Sunday — May 18, 2008 @ 3:15 pm